The Full Monty- Lord of the Rings Stylee
by The Evenstar
Summary: Aragorn & Legolas decide to round up some mates and start their own stripping group
1. Default Chapter

A/N- Watching The Full Monty last night inspired me to write this. As I automatically tie in with everything with L.O.T.R these days anyway, I thought I as well write this and see what I come up with. Please R & R if you want a second chapter...  
  
  
  
The Full Monty- Lord of the Rings Stylee  
  
It was a few years after the War of the Ring, and Middle Earth was getting to be, well, a bit bloody boring. There's only so much tree-hugging an elf can do, and only so much being king a king can do. So one day, Aragorn and Legolas decided to quit their jobs as the resident tree-hugger and the King of Gondor, and get REAL jobs. Only they weren't very successful and ended up signing on....but when the shit hit the fan, Aragorn just couldn't face writing 'Married' in the status box of the dole form (he just couldn't handle the fact that he wasn't an eligable batchelor anymore), and so they were back to square one. No money and no jobs...  
  
A week later, Legolas and Aragorn were walking through Bree to the Prancing Pony to get plastered. They stop outside the inn when they spot a poster for the male strippers The Ents  
  
Aragorn- ''What a joke. Call them things men? I've seen more fat on a matchstick. He's got no knob for a start.''  
  
Legolas- ''They look like a right bunch of wankers. Who's going to pay to see them?''  
  
Aragorn- ''Arwen.''  
  
Legolas- ''What?!''  
  
Aragorn- ''Well, she's the breadwinner now isn't she? It's her cash.''  
  
Legolas- ''You've got to put your foot down. It's not right. Are you just going to stand by and watch some......thing made out of wood wave his tackle at your missus?''  
  
Aragorn- ''Yeah....but what can we do Leggy? We've had to money for months. Quitting our jobs was the worst idea ever..''  
  
Legolas- ''We're going to start our own stripping group! We'll hold auditons next weekend, right here at the Pony. You'll see. We'll rake it in when we've got some costumes and a decent dance routine.''  
  
Aragorn- ''Hmm. You'd better be right.''  
  
Legolas ripped the poster off the wall of the inn, and they walked to Rivendell to start on the biggest mistake of their lives...  
  
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So, what do you think? Love it, hate it?  
  
R & R me for another chapter... 


	2. Forming the Group

A/N- I am writing this is GCSE I.T class.... yes that's right. I am gifted with an education and what do I do? Squander it. Still, who cares? What goes around, comes around.....god, I really need a wee......  
  
  
  
Selecting the Group  
  
It had been a week since Aragorn and Legolas had come up with the stripping plan, and the day of the auditions in the Prancing Pony had dawned. Barliman (the landlord) had been good enough to close the Inn for the day, so the auditions could go ahead interrupted, and a queue of men, elves and dwarves stretched down Bree's main road and into the distance. Aragorn and Legolas were sat behind a large table in the middle of the bar, holding clipboards and managing to look like Pete Waterman and Nasty Nigel all at the same time.  
  
Aragorn- ''First person please.''  
  
The door creaked open and in walked.......Elrond  
  
Aragorn (mumbling)- ''Fantastic. Our first auditionee is my Father in- law.''  
  
Legolas- ''Elrond....what can you do?''  
  
Elrond- ''Well, I can get me kit off if that's what you mean.''  
  
Aragorn- ''What about dancing?''  
  
Elrond- ''My disco days are probably over....but I can still do the funky chicken.''  
  
Aragorn- ''Right. Music please!''  
  
Legolas pushed a button on the tape player and suddenly ''Bob the Builder.....Can We Fix It.'' came blasting out  
  
Legolas- ''Er.....sorry. Wrong tape.''  
  
Legolas fiddled around a bit more and eventually the sound of Tom Jones' Sex Bomb could be heard  
  
Elrond was right. His disco days were over. He did a few 'Funky' moves, and then stopped, complaining of a dodgy hip  
  
Elrond- ''I'd go on....but I am over seven million years old.''  
  
Aragorn- ''Thanks. We'll be in touch.''  
  
Elrond leaves  
  
Argorn (to Legolas)- ''Put him down as a maybe.''  
  
Legolas scribbles something down on his clipboard  
  
Aragorn- ''Next!''  
  
In walked...Gandalf  
  
Legolas- ''No offence Gandalf....but we're looking for strippers.......who are, able to stand the pace.''  
  
Gandalf- ''I know I may look like an old man, but I'm sure I can keep up with you spratts.''  
  
Legolas- ''Actually, I'm older than you.''  
  
Gandalf- ''But your immortal.''  
  
Legolas- ''Good point. What have you got for us?''  
  
Gandalf- ''Music please!''  
  
Legolas switched on the tape player again, and Gandalf waved his hands around and pointed his toes about a bit, then Aragorn stopped him  
  
Aragorn- ''Don't call us...we'll call you.''  
  
Gandalf leaves  
  
Legolas- ''Don't tell me....put him down as a 'Definately Not'?''  
  
Aragorn- ''You got that right.''  
  
The auditions lasted all day, and the talent wasn't of a very high standard. When they had seen every auditionee, Aragorn and Legolas discussed their Maybe's over a pint, and evetually decided on their starring line-up....  
  
Elrond  
  
Eaomer  
  
Faramir  
  
Bilbo  
  
and themselves, of course  
  
Aragorn- ''So, now what do we do?''  
  
Legolas- ''Dance rehearsals of course!''  
  
Aragorn- ''Oh god!''  
  
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	3. Getting Naked and Advertising

A/N- Wow! Thanks so much for all the lovely reviews (blush), and to think, I wasn't even going to bother carrying on with the story. Anyway, I have managed to get off my arse and write the third chapter. I would have had Boromir in the starring line-up, but there is the slight issue of him being dead (sorry Cheggers), so I used Eomer, and Faramir, but then I realised that I had to use Elrond and Bilbo to make the number up to six. I am basing the starring line-up on the Full Monty characters (obviously). Legolas is Gaz, Aragorn is Dave, Elrond is Horse, Faramir is Lomper, Eomer is Guy and Bilbo is Gerald. I have left out Nathan, because Legolas doesn't have a son (I thought about having one of the hobbits floating around to add some childish charm....but then decided against it)...........  
  
Getting Naked & Advertising (Not at the same time)  
  
In Arwen's dressing room, at a big castle in Gondor...  
  
Bilbo is fiddling around with a tacky ornament  
  
Aragorn- ''Oi! Put that back!''  
  
Legolas- ''Right ladies, are we ready?''  
  
Eomer- ''Ready for what?''  
  
Legolas- ''Taking our kit off.''  
  
Faramir- ''I thought you were turning us into fancy dancers.''  
  
Legolas- ''All in good time, anyway, how are we going to get naked infront of all them women if we can't even get our togs off infront of each other?''  
  
Aragorn- ''What? Here, now? This is a respectable establishment.''  
  
Bilbo- ''I don't know about this Legolas....''  
  
Legolas- ''Come on tops off.''  
  
(Everyone looks at each other worriedly)  
  
Legolas- ''Come ON!''  
  
(Everyone starts taking thier tops off)  
  
Elrond- ''No laughing!''  
  
(Everyone takes their tops off)  
  
Legolas- ''And the kecks.''  
  
(Everyone starts taking their trousers off, or in Elrond's case, skirt)  
  
Faramie (to Aragorn)- ''How come your so brown?''  
  
Aragorn- ''Arwen's got a sunbed and no you can't use it, so don't ask.''  
  
Elrond (gesturing at Bilbo)- ''He's fat.''  
  
Bilbo- ''Just more for the ladies to lurrrrrrve.''  
  
Elrond- ''Yeah right.''  
  
Eomer- ''Shut it saggy tits.''  
  
(Elrond looks at his chest and tuts)  
  
Faramir- ''What's next then?''  
  
Legolas- ''Advertising.''  
  
Later that day....  
  
The group start putting up posters around Gondor to advertise their opening night. They are just pinning one to the door of Gondor's premiere (and only) nightspot when Eowyn and Galadriel come along with shopping bags  
  
Galadriel- ''What are you lot up to?''  
  
Legolas gestures at the poster  
  
Legolas- ''Just doing a bit of advertising for some.....mates.''  
  
Eowyn- ''And your 'mates' are strippers? What makes them think there so special? We had the real thing up in Bree a couple of weeks ago.''  
  
Legolas- ''Yeah well. Are 'mates' are better.''  
  
Galadriel- ''How's that?''  
  
Legolas- ''They go all the way.''  
  
(Eowyn and Galadriel burst out laughing)  
  
Eowyn- ''The full monty? You lot? Hell fire, that would be worth a look.''  
  
(Galadriel and Eowyn leave)  
  
Aragorn- ''No way, No, and Never.....in that order.''  
  
Elrond- ''You never said we were going all the way!''  
  
Legolas- ''What do you expect? We've got to give them something your average ten bob stripper don't. By the way, I've got the costumes...''  
  
(Legolas takes out a carrier bag and hands around red leather thongs)  
  
Faramir- ''I think I'm gonna be sick.''  
  
Bilbo- ''You don't get much for your money do you?''  
  
Legolas- ''Right lads. Go home and get some sleep.....because tommorow we've got the dress rehearsal, and I've invited a group of Hobbit girls from the Shire to come up and watch.''  
  
Aragorn- ''You've done what?!''  
  
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A/N- ATTENTION ALL MY FANS! This will be my last Fan Fic entry for a while (sniff) because.....drumroll please........the Easter hols start at 3.45pm today! Hooray! Which means I don't have to come near this Hell Hole of a school for a fortnight, but also means I won't be able to write any Fan Fic until I get back. Never fear though, The Evenstar has something up her sleave....I'm staying after school tonight on the computers to add another Lord of the Dogchain chapter, and over the holidays, I'm going to be revising (HaHaha) AND working on a brand new masterpeice.......Lord of the Rings Hits the West End! (Peter Jackson and Andrew Loyd-Webber collaberate to bring L.O.T.R to the London stage....with halerious consequences!) 


	4. The Dress Rehearsal

A/N- Hopefully, I've kept you waiting in sweaty anticipation for this little gem.....the next Full Monty Chapter! (Cheer).  
  
I haven't got anything else to say, accept that Cheggers is estatic because Sean Bean in in some shitty movie next Friday night called When Saturday Comes or something. She is organising a party with nibbles and drink so everyone can watch it (like they would want to)........  
  
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Chapter 4- The Dress Rehearsal  
  
Faramir, Eomer, Elrond and Bilbo are sat in the back room of a warehouse in Gondor. Rose Cotton and the Hobbit girls that Legolas promised to invite are sat in the middle of the warehouse in a sofa  
  
Bilbo (worried)- ''What am I going to do?''  
  
Eomer- ''Just think of the most broing thing that you can.''  
  
Bilbo- ''Like what?''  
  
Faramir- ''Nature programmes, the Queen's speech, gardening....''  
  
Bilbo- ''I like nature programmes.''  
  
Eomer- ''Yeah but they don't give you a hard-on do they?''  
  
(uncomftable silence)  
  
Eomer- ''Do they?!''  
  
Everyone except Bilbo bursts out laughing  
  
Bilbo- ''Oh shut up! It's a medical condition.''  
  
The door flies open and Legolas walks in  
  
Legolas- ''Aragorn's not coming. He's too chicken shit.''  
  
Elrond- ''Oh god!''  
  
Legolas- ''Don't worry! We can do it without him.''  
  
(10 minutes later...)  
  
The group have begun their routine to some very dodgy music which Legolas had picked up from the Â£1.50 bargain bin at Woolworths. The Hobbit girls had never laughed so much in their lives, and everything SEEMED to be going well. When the guys had gotten down the their red leather thongs.....the door flew open and Denethor (who's still bitter about being over-thrown by Aragorn) storms in. Eomer and Faramir leggit, leaving Elrond, Legolas and Bilbo to be led away by Denethor and his lackies.  
  
(4 hours later...)  
  
Elrond, Leggy and Bilbo are being grilled by Denethor-  
  
Legolas- ''We told you. We were nicking pipes. That's all.''  
  
Denethor- ''Legolas my friend, nu bugger nicks pipes in the buff.''  
  
Legolas- ''We do, don't get your clothes dirty do you?''  
  
Denethor- ''Oh don't worry. There's a right good laundry where you three are going.......the dungeons!''  
  
Bilbo- ''Eh?!''  
  
Legolas-''Don't worry mate.''  
  
(The door opens and one of the lackies walks in, holding a videotape_  
  
Lacky- ''I've got the security tape sir.''  
  
Denethor- ''Right then. Stick it on.''  
  
Everyone starts watching the security tape. Bilbo nudges Legolas after a few minutes  
  
Bilbo- ''Your always ahead there.''  
  
Legolas- ''Your always bloody behind more like.''  
  
(Bilbo rewinds the video)  
  
Denethor- ''He's right. Your ahead.''  
  
Legolas- ''Oh, go bollocks.''  
  
(Later that day)  
  
Legolas was walking alone down the main road in Bree when Barliman pokes his head out of the Prancing Pony  
  
Barliman- ''Hey, it's Patricia the Stripper!''  
  
Legolas- ''F**k off!''  
  
Barliman- ''Where the hell have you been? I've ordered in twenty extra barrels for this big show of yours and I've heard no more.''  
  
Legolas- ''Yeah? Well I hope them barrels are refundable.''  
  
Barliman- ''What do you mean?''  
  
Legolas- ''It's off.''  
  
Barliman- ''No chance! I've sold over 1'000 tickets!''  
  
Legolas- ''HOW MANY?!''  
  
  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Next Time.......  
  
Chapter 5- The Big Night  
  
Will Aragorn show up?  
  
Will Bilbo disgrace himself?  
  
Who knows....... 


	5. The Big Night

A/N- Thank f**k it's Friday! I've finally managed to get off my arse and write the last chapter of The Full Monty. Hopefully you will all like it, then I can go home from school today and drink a Ribena Toothkind in celebration, before putting my feet up to watch some decent TV.....oh I forget- there's no such thing these days........  
  
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Chapter 5- The Big Night  
  
Faramir, Eomer, Elrond, Aragorn and Bilbo are sat in the kicthen of Bag End around a little hobbit table (imagine the scene.....halerious).  
  
Faramir- ''So your leaving then Bilbo?''  
  
Bilbo- ''Yep. Been offered a job in the Undying Lands. The pays alright and I get to travel.''  
  
Eomer- ''Oh well. Good luck mate.''  
  
Bilbo- ''You never know, there might be jobs in it for you lot.''  
  
Faramir- ''No thanks mate. I'm staying right here in Middle Earth. Eomer's promised to set me up with his sister. I've heard she's a demon in the sack.''  
  
The dront door opens and Legolas whacks his head on the kitchen doorframe before entering the room  
  
Legolas- ''We're on.''  
  
Elrond- ''Eh?''  
  
Legolas- ''Barliman says he's sold over a thousand tickets! That's......well, erm......that's a bloody lot of money!''  
  
Bilbo- ''It's a bit late now Leggy. Fresh start and all that.''  
  
Legolas- ''Come on Bilbo. One last time?''  
  
Faramir- ''Yeah. Come on Bilbo?''  
  
Eomer- ''Please?''  
  
Bilbo- ''Oh alright then, just tonight though.''  
  
Legolas- ''What about you Aragorn? Are you still bailing on us?''  
  
Aragorn- ''Haven't you grown out of all that yet?''  
  
Legolas- ''Come on mate.''  
  
Aragorn- ''Sorry Leggy, I can't.''  
  
  
  
Later that night......  
  
Aragorn had arrived home in Minas Tirith after an exausting ride back from Hobbiton. He was surprised to find that his egg, chips and beans wasn't on the table. Arwen wasn't around. Aragorn eventually found her in their bedroom  
  
Aragorn- ''There you are.......Arwen?''  
  
Arwen- ''What the hell is this?!''  
  
Arwen throws the leather thong at Aragorn  
  
Aragorn- ''Now listen love, I know it looks bad....''  
  
Arwen- ''To bloody right it does! All those nights you were late home, and stupid cow here thought you were out for a drink with Legolas. All the time it was bloody obvious!''  
  
Aragorn- ''I WAS out with Leggy! I swear!''  
  
Arwen- ''Who is she the little tramp? Eowyn?! Rose Cotton?! One of them sluts from Mirkwood?!''  
  
Aragorn- ''I haven't been with any other women alright?! I was stripping. Me and lads thought we might make a few bob by taking our kit off.''  
  
Arwen- ''Stripping? You and Legolas......stripping?''  
  
Aragorn- ''Don't sound so surprised, we weren't THAT bad. Your Dad was the first one to join us.''  
  
Arwen- ''DAD?! I'll kill him when I get hold of him.''  
  
Aragorn- ''The show's tonight. At The Prancing Pony.''  
  
Arwen- ''Aragorn you great shovel of shite.....your the KING. You don't need to take your clothes off to make money.''  
  
Aragorn- ''It more to prove our manliness, you know. If them Ents can do it then any bugger can.''  
  
Arwen- ''For god's sake!''  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, at The Prancing Pony.......  
  
The whole pub is filled ith elves, dwarves, hobbits and men all wanting a peice of the action. Galadriel, Eowyn, Rose Cotton, Celebrian, and Arwen are sat in the front row of seats.  
  
Backstage......  
  
Legolas- ''Women only the posters said! WOMEN ONLY! Half the bloody Riders of Rohan are out there!''  
  
Barliman- ''Nobody told me.''  
  
Bilbo- ''It'll be alright. Once we get on the stage.''  
  
Legolas- ''On the stage? ON THE STAGE?! I'm not going anywhere near the bloody stage, it's suicide!'' (he takes a swig of whiskey)  
  
The audience starts to chant something obscene about Elrond's nether regions (probably started by Arwen)  
  
Elrond- ''Oh god!''  
  
Legolas- ''Turn them away Barliman, give them a bloody refind. Anything!''  
  
Barliman- ''And lose a thousand punters? You must be joking lad!''  
  
(Legolas takes a drag of his 17th fag of the evening)  
  
Legolas- ''Shit!''  
  
Barliman- ''All of the bloody Middle Earth royalty's in the front row lads.''  
  
Legolas- ''We'll be torn to peices in seconds!''  
  
Barliman- ''You will if you don't get out there soon. They'll bring you down like a Balrog after a Hobbit.''  
  
Aragorn walks in  
  
Aragorn- ''Not lost your bottle have you Leggy?''  
  
Bilbo- ''Aragorn!''  
  
Eomer- ''Hey Aragorn!''  
  
Elrond- ''Nice one!''  
  
Legolas- ''Welcome back mate.''  
  
Aragorn- ''There was nought on the telly so I thought I'd give it a go..........and Arwen threatened to kill if I didn't do it. And I found this wondering around outside.''  
  
Aragorn steps aside to reveal Frodo who's stood behind him  
  
Legolas- ''What the bloody hell are you doing here?!''  
  
Frodo- ''Come to lend my support.''  
  
Legolas- ''You brought Sam?''  
  
Frodo- ''He's down the front with Merry and Pippin.''  
  
Barliman- ''Showtime ladies! It's now or never.''  
  
Elrond- ''I can't beleive I'be got this g-string on me, it feels like a flippin cheesewire!''  
  
Aragorn walks out onstage to announce and act  
  
Aragorn- ''OK ladies and gents, we may not be pretty, and we may not be young. But were here, were live, and for one night only......we're going all the way!''  
  
(huge round of applause)  
  
Bilbo, Elrond, Eomer, and Faramir walk onto the stage and begin the act with Aragorn. Legolas remains behind  
  
Frodo- ''Youncan't back out now! Now after everything!''  
  
Legolas- ''Yes I can.''  
  
Frodo- ''I'm gonna get really annoyed with you in a minute. There cheering out there. You did that. Now get out there, and do your stuff.''  
  
Legolas- ''Bloody hell is there anyone I don't get bollocked by?''  
  
Frodo- ''OUT!''  
  
Legolas takes a last swig of whiskey, ruffles Frodo's hair (much to his discust) and then joins the others on stage.  
  
It was the best show that The Prancing Pony had ever had....  
  
Bilbo didn't disgrace himself, everyone had a great time, and YES they did go all the way!  
  
********************************************************************  
  
I hope the ending wasn't too bad  
  
Please R & R! 


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